The World of Darktice

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Only in America...

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

and Vernon Fraley with your news now...

An Indian man who eight months ago decided to spend his life in a tree has died. He fell out of it.
Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth last week, 51 year old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.
When 65-year-old Les Edwards shoveled some coal on to his living-room fire tuesday, a sudden explosion rendered him deaf and blind. The mystery blast was traced to the accidental inclusion of a detonator in the coal mix. The National Coal Board admitted negligence.
An operation at Nottingham hospital in Monday ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.
The Cinnamon family from Washington were surprised when several ball-sized chunks of green ice crashed through their roof and landed on the floor beside them. The ice soon melted, giving off a revolting odour. The Cinnamons were not happy to later discover that the ice was frozen human waste from the leaky sewage system of a passenger jet.
Phreakers, or 'phone hackers,' managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat son of a *****.'
The defence in an Irish murder trial hung on whether the accused, Thomas McGann, could draw a gun from his pocket without shooting himself. Demonstrating in court, his lawyer shot his own foot, and died 12 hours later. McGann, however, was acquitted.
Police in France are continuing their search for a man who has been robbing banks dressed as a giant aubergine. During an armed robbery in Marseilles, he was asked by the manager 'Are you serious?', to which he replied 'No, I am an aubergine,' and fired a shot. The man escaped with the cash leaving a real aubergine on the counter.
Last sunday, suspected drug dealer Alfred Acree tried to evade capture in Charles County, Virginia, by running into a wood. The police had no trouble following him because he was wearing a pair of 'Light Gear' trainers, with battery powered lights that flash when the heel is pressed.
During a 'smash and grab' on a Zurich jeweller saturday, a thief had his finger cut off by broken glass as he grabbed a tray of rings. The police identified the finger from their fingerprint records and arrested the thief within a few hours.
When a crook decided to steal the central heating system from an empty house in Fulham, he removed a pipe connected to the gas supply, then lit a match so that he could see. Although the house exploded, he continued with the job and even returned the next day, only to be arrested.