Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The things kids ask: Part 2

  • If Girls have cooties, why marry them?
  • Why do cats have claws, if they only use them to cut fabric?
  • If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  • When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
  • If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  • If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
  • If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
  • Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  • Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?
  • How do they get the people in the T.v?
  • Why?

The things kids ask...

  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
  • What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?
  • If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
  • If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
  • If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on 'Baywatch'?
  • If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
  • If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
  • If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Monday, June 12, 2006

For those in my drivers ed class...

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is blonde.

Intelligence Wanted

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him.

"So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence?.' "The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

What is wrong with this paragraph...

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

Happy Hunting!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

This song is for my friend, JEM

We circle winter, spring and summer to fall
Spend a lifetime tryin' to make some sense of it all
Trip over questions raised by fallen men
As if there are solutions for the state we're in

In a picture perfect world, there would be no crime
In a picture perfect world, we'd be free
In a picture perfect world, we'd be colorblind
But it's all right, I know we'll be cared for
All right, a place is prepared for
All right, 'cause sooner or later we'll be
In the picture perfect world

Another summer, autumn, winter and spring
We grow accustomed to the nature of things
Do we chase the questions we can't figure out
And overlook what life is all about

In a picture perfect world, there would be no pain
In a picture perfect world, we'd believe
In a picture perfect world, love is not in vain
But it's all right, I know we'll be cared for
All right, a place is prepared for
All right, 'cause sooner or later we'll be
In the picture perfect world

We are here but a moment, then the moment's gone
So why spend precious time we can't afford, no, no
We have only one purpose before the curtain's drawn
So with all our lives, for the cause of Christ, we must glorify the Lord

In a picture perfect world, there would be no pain
In a picture perfect world, we'd believe
In a picture perfect world, love is not in vain
But it's all right, I know we'll be cared for
All right, a place is prepared for
All right, 'cause sooner or later we'll be
In the picture perfect world

Friday, June 09, 2006

What am I?

Two short arms and a head like a rock
Hanging around on a city block;
Wrench my arms and you'll get wet,
But I'll get water from your pet.
What am I?

Cool Calvin

For muffen

Thursday, June 08, 2006

That age old question that still taunts us...

What came first the chicken or the egg?

The answer:

its obviously the chicken for once the chicken was made, then it could lay an egg for if the egg was first, it would not survive without the warmth of its mama's butt. thus, the chicken came first.

Tricky riddle...

What is Greater than God?
Evil like the Devil?
The poor have it
and the rich want it?

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Never say to a cop...

  • 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
  • 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
  • 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
  • 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
  • 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
  • 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
  • 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
  • 8. I pay your salary!
  • 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
  • 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
  • 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
  • 12 When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

When you're feeling down, remember this guy

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!

Don't laugh! lol!

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by a tribe. The tribe's leader told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to eat all of the fruits without any expression on your face or you'll be boiled." The first, second, and third apples went in... but on the fourth one he winced out in pain, so he was boiled. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was shot. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Thursday, June 01, 2006

One of the best...

I don't care what anyone says, Patrick Stewart
is one of the best actors ever